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Confronting the Control Freak
Understanding what motivates them.

Toni Lynn Chinoy - 1/28/2010

Best Practices begin with a clear understanding of what you are dealing with and then evolve to identifying what works and what does not. There are different levels of Control Freak behavior, and different responses depending on the diagnosis of the level.

The annoying "freak":

Control Freaks are afraid. That's why they do what they do. It is not about you.

Changing a difficult situation for the better takes a cool head. Try to "lose" the emotion. Remember your objective. You want the situation to change for the better. If you focus on things like wanting to punish or "show" the control freak, it is probable that you will trigger more of the behavior you hate.

Look at your own personal "control freak" with a discerning eye. You are trying to identify what it is that he or she is afraid of. Is this person afraid of being surprised, failing, being betrayed, being challenged, being inadequate...?

Once you are clear about which fear you are dealing with, try to imagine giving the person more of what he or she needs. It is highly likely the person needs something you are afraid to give. In other words, you may have some control issues of your own that this other person is triggering with his or her behavior.

You are looking for the answer that cuts you loose from this personality. Examine your own behaviors for clarity. Are you inadvertently or deliberately triggering the fear? Are you, yourself, on some kind of power trip?

If you can do so without sacrificing your integrity or dignity, try to respond with empathy and compassion to the other person's fear. (For example, bosses who micromanage often simply need more information. You may be inclined to withhold information because of your emotion. Give them more info and more frequent contact, and they will often back off significantly.)

Have a real dialog with the other person in which you ask the person what it is that he or she needs and why. Be open. You are probably already judging the person as demented. Determine if what he or she needs is really that impossible to give. Are you being stubborn or controlling in return?

When the "freak" is dangerous to your well being:

If the other person's behavior is dangerous to your mental stability or safety, get help. Don't try to do it alone. Assume that your thinking is not clear in such a situation.

Examine your perception of your risks carefully. Is the risk of removing yourself from the situation really greater than the risk of staying? Security issues, fear of being alone, low self-esteem often keep people in situations which actually diminish all of their resources in those areas. They become less secure, more afraid of being alone, and lose even more self-esteem over time. Your fears may be very real and very serious. However, situations of this nature rarely get better! Get out sooner rather than later.

"Easy to say."

Another trap which keeps people in situations which they absolutely should leave is that the bad times are not all the time. You go through a really bad time and then it gets better for a while. When things are better, the risks of leaving are deceptively bigger than the risks of staying. That is a bit like a carnival mirror which is distorting your view of reality.

No one should ever tolerate abuse or dangerous behavior from another, even if it is intermingled with all sorts of loving behaviors. The behaviors may seem caring and respectful in between the bad stuff, but what you are experiencing is NOT RESPECT. You are experiencing another aspect of the person's need to control you through manipulating your emotions.

Be clear with yourself. With a control freak whose behaviors are dangerous, you are merely a tool for that person's ego. Treating you well and getting you to respond should be viewed as equally manipulative and dangerous to your stability as when they are "freaking" out with yelling, demeaning language, or actual physical abuse. You may also think care about the person because you see all sorts of potential in him or her. Potential is not the same as reality. Quit living your life for a person's potential. Instead focus on who that person really is, not what you want the person to be.

If there is intermittent verbal or physical abuse, make no mistake. You deserve better.

If you need professional help to get clear or to make big moves away from abuse, don't hesitate to get it. Don't wait for the other person to figure it out. That is a game you are playing on yourself. Just go.

Control freaks do their thing because they are afraid. Can you identify what you are afraid of that may be causing you to feed into their fear? Being right will not stop the problem!

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