Talk Too Much?
excerpt from Trolls, Bullies, and YOU!

Blah, Blah, Blah

Talk too much?

Feeling the need to explain? Want everyone to know how smart you are? This can be a big problem for very intelligent people; especially if they are also insecure.

Why? They often bore people to tears. They frequently give up their moments to sway or influence others because they are so busy "explaining".

Perhaps others asked you to explain. You may still be boring them with your response. If you do not know how to determine that they really want something different than what they are asking, you may have a problem.

People may sound like they want to understand how you built the watch when they really want something else. How will you know? Pay attention for a change.

For example, suppose a group of your constituents comes to you in a high state of anxiety. "We do not know enough facts about this project. Others want to know and we do not know what to say."

What you do is then try to tell them again everything they need to know to in order to explain to their audience. And again, they fault you for not providing enough information.

Clue: whenever you are re-explaining the same things, you are talking too much and nobody is listening. You in particular are not listening. If their eyes are glazed or they repeat the same question or issue, stop talking and listen. Ask what is bothering them.

They don't want information about specifics. That is blah blah to them or they would be on their merry way with happy faces. There is something that they may need to know but you will never figure it out if you keep talking at them.

They may want to know how to answer questions and challenges that are coming at them. Having more technical information will not help them. They will never have enough specifics to answer challenges from others.

Others don't really want the specifics either. They really want to know how this change is going to affect them, and how they can respond to the change in a way that is less painful.

Often people want someone to help them manage their fear. They want comfort, they want assurances. It is rare that they really want all the specifics. If that was their real issue, you could put it in writing, or give them a manual and be done with it.

They may need logic. What kind of logic? The kind of logic that helps them understand that while going forward may have some risks, staying still has greater risks. They may need someone to tell them that their concerns are legitimate and that they are being addressed.

They may also need to be positioned to do the right things. For example, whenever introducing change, realize that others will resist out of fear. Often the logic of the change is indisputable and yet others will resist and argue and fight you each step of the way.

Do not fall into the trap of explaining the same things over and over again. If it were working they would not keep asking. Instead, set them up. Manipulate a bit if you must.

When they throw their obstacles in front of you, try to suggest the outcome in a way that also assumes total agreement. For example, "I know that we agree that the safety of the patient is the most important objective we have. I am certain we are all willing to learn a new skill or how to use a piece of equipment that can help with that." Watch them sputter trying to figure out how to argue with that logic.

Or, "while I recognize that this will cause us some extra work initially, I know you must feel as I do. The customer is our main focus and a little extra effort is worth it if we get the outcome we are looking for." Others will have a hard time taking you on if you position things in such a way because they will look really bad if they do.

And so, be less tempted to bombard others with facts, details and explanations. You only give them ammunition to argue against.

Deal with the real issue behind the resistance and the queries. Assume that people rarely want the facts, will even more rarely absorb them, and probably really want to know the impact of your initiative on them and what it will cost them in terms of labor, credibility, and loss of face.

If you can focus your response on helping them with the words and responses which will 'up their odds' of success, diminish their fear of exposure, and focus them in the correct direction by taking away their options for resisting without looking foolish and stubborn, you may never have to "explain" again.

The above issues are certainly common. What you may also be avoiding is a recognition that you talk too much in general. Are you always explaining yourself, your ideas, and your thoughts? Do others really care?

Keep in mind:

1. If you answer the same question the same way multiple times, it is likely that the real issue is escaping you.
2. When people ask for more technical information in order to better understand an initiative, they will rarely read it, will often keep asking for it, and really don't want technical information at all.
3. What they may want is to slow you down for personal reasons.
4. What they may want is to find excuses to not do what is at hand.
5. What they may be trying to do is tell you they are afraid. You must figure out if they are afraid of the questions that someone else may ask them or if they are afraid that they look Stupid because they do not understand or if they are simply using stall tactics.
6. If others repeatedly ask for more detail, what they may really need is to understand the main objectives of the initiative, the main outcome, and the main changes it will mean for them personally. The same need may be true for those who are pushing against them.
7. If others try to finish your sentences, seem to be in a hurry to get on with things, glaze over when you are talking, get to the point! You are not effective when those things are occurring and you may be enjoying hearing yourself talk, but others are not.

Example of answering the wrong questions: Teachers fighting standardized testing.
Questions:
"How have they tested the questions against the culture of my particular region and adjusted them to reflect our particular disadvantages so that I do not come out looking bad as a teacher for something that I cannot control?"

The question appears to be a technical question regarding the preparation of the exam and the statistical development and adjustment for the specific culture. What is really being asked is "How do I survive in my chosen profession if this thing makes me look bad?"

Any response which attempts to answer the technical question will fall on deaf ears because it is not the real question. You may do a lot of research trying to answer the question and they will just create another question.

Instead, try to respond to the fear that is being expressed. An example of an answer might look like:

"I do not know what they have done to specifically address the culture of our region. I am not sure that is the main issue. After all, the objective of this testing is to help us prepare our students to be competitive wherever they end up. So perhaps what would be more relevant for us is to work with these tests to adjust ourselves and our students to be successful in the main stream of things. Since all of us hold our students at the heart of this, we may struggle for the first few times we go through this, but we are smart enough to then figure out how to prepare our students to be successful with or without culture adjustment."

The point is, do not cave to their fear by running in circles trying to make it go away. Take them through it and give them a rationale that only allows them to think properly about the issues which is "why are we doing this in the first place?"

At some point, you may have been thinking that this was a light little text on how to manage Bullies and Trolls. By now you probably get it that this is a heavy self-help book (I bet you never would have chosen to read it if you had only known) on managing yourself and your own life much more effectively. The next chapter asks you to check in on how you want to live your life and what you are doing, or not doing, to create your reality.

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If you want this book in PDF format, email us at toni@harlanevans.com

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